The more complex the boundaries in today’s social sphere, the more important the ability to recognize signs of abuse. More and more people are coming forward to share their experiences and insights into what abuse looks like, from the misuse of therapeutic language to the building of frameworks for dealing with abusive behavior within families.
One such user shared on the social media platform Reddit: u/Comfortable-Ear-9186 shared an emerging pattern: the manipulation of therapeutic concepts to elude accountability. They pointed out that often one finds that the very concept of setting boundaries gets abused as a tool to control others rather than for self-preservation. For example, a real boundary may sound like, “I don’t feel safe around you when you are drinking. If you are drinking, I cannot be around you.” Whereas one that is manipulative might sound like, “You can’t drink around me; I don’t like it.” This exploitation of boundaries becomes one way an abuser may control the victim, making them feel they are perpetrating harm by refusing to submit.
u/Em29ca explained that another way abusers had hidden controlling behavior in personal boundaries was by saying things like, “My boundaries are that you can’t go out without me, wear provocative clothing, and you have to text me all the time when we aren’t together.” What he does here is silence a victim because that will make them feel they are a bad person for not staying within those so-called boundaries.
On another level, one parent described a sad experience of verbally abusive adult children. With relentless support both financially and emotionally, the parent is still sustaining continuous verbal attacks from their daughters. This was further confounded by some kind of neurological disease that this parent is suffering from, which affects communication and breathing.
The advice given to the parent is, in effect, a very strong boundary-setting statement to protect her from abuse. It is telling her that she can’t change what the children do, but she can change how she reacts to their behavior. By firmly stating, “I won’t let myself be treated this way anymore,” and then proceeding with an action—such as just hanging up the phone or walking away—the balance in the relationship can start to change. This process will hopefully prompt the offending parties to look at their actions and alter their behavior for the better.
Ultimately, personal accountability and the importance of setting healthy boundaries are two of the most important lessons learned from shared experiences. Whether through manipulative partners or abusive family members, one should always look out for one’s well-being and not lie down to mistreatment. Not only does this foster a much healthier atmosphere around the person in question, but it ensures others learn how to express their emotions more respectfully and constructively.
Going through all these challenging interactions, we must also remember that the changes are not going to happen in a day. The persistence and consistency in setting up boundaries can make many differences in relationships, benefitting all of us.